Fear of the Unknown

Being raised in rural India, my exposure to women and dating was limited. Typically we are taught to love someone we marry rather than marry someone we love.

After coming to the US, I started talking to someone arranged by my family. We communicated for about a year and had never met. I realize the hard way that Indian marriages are typically not made for "love". From this experience, I thought of myself as an object that can be easily replaced by someone who is equally educated and successful. After this, I went through lots of hardships, both professionally and personally.

While spending time at the library, I met an American woman and we were instant friends. I had an accident, and she was there for me. It felt really good to have a friend in a place where I was all by myself. I was really impressed with her loving and caring nature and we decided to get married.

After a few years of marriage, we realized the hard way that our long term goals are different, such as having family, religious differences, culture and my ties to India. Despite our differences, I was comfortable with her and her companionship. I liked having someone to come back to after a days work. Deep down, I had the fear of the unknown. I was not happy, and I wrote in my diary about how nice she was, my deep desire of having a family and giving back to the community.

She stumbled across my diary, and told me to go after what I really wanted in my life. She tells me to leave the shallow end of the pool and go to the deep end. If you are too scared of the deep end of the pool, you will never learn how to swim.

That brings the end of my marriage; however we still are best friends and well wishers. I regret not being able to give her security. Apart from my best wishes, I realize that I don't have anything else to offer to such a wonderful friend.